What's in the Bag?
by Jeanniefan78
Summary: The team receives some very unusual Christmas gifts.


**WHAT'S IN THE BAG?**

**Written by: Jeanniefan78/April**

**Author's Note:** _This was written for sunset_leaf/Steph for the 2014 NFA Secret Santa Exchange. : )_

It's a cold morning in D.C., not only outside, but also inside as Kate and McGee angrily await Tony's arrival.

Kate checks her watch and looks over in the direction of the elevators. She sighs heavily and then, continues typing on her computer.

A few minutes later, the elevator dings and Tony bounces off.

"While the merry bells, keep ringing, Happy Holidays to you," he sings. "You gotta love Andy Williams Christmas music."

As he takes off his coat, he notices Kate and McGee staring him down with angry looks on their faces.

"What's the matter with you two?"

"You think you're pretty funny, don't you?," Kate snaps.

"Huh?"

"Don't play stupid, Tony. We know it was you," McGee says, dryly.

"What are you talking about?"

"We found your little presents on our desks this morning, "Santa"," Kate snaps, setting a gift bag up on her desk. "We know you like to joke around, but this is taking "class clown" one step too far."

She holds up the contents of her gift bag: a package of maxi pads and a small box of tampons.

Tony starts laughing. "Oh my gosh…"

Kate's glare intensifies. "You think this is funny?!… What am I saying? Of course you think it's funny!"

"It is funny, Kate," he says, still laughing. "But it wasn't me."

"Yeah right, Tony."

"It wasn't!"

"Tony, you are such a child!," McGee interjects.

"What's with you, McScrooge?"

"Tony, only someone with your sense of humor would leave someone a present like this." McGee sets a large gift bag on his desk and proceeds to take out the contents and hold them up.

"Some Ex-Lax…Gas-X…a can of air freshener…and a package of toilet paper."

Tony starts laughing again. "It wasn't me, Probie."

"Like I'm really supposed to believe that," he says, putting the items back in the gift bag.

"You seriously need to grow up, Tony," Kate says.

"It wasn't me!"

"Gear up! McGee, get Ducky." Gibbs zips through the bullpen to his desk and stops short of opening a drawer as he notices a colorful gift bag on his desk. He opens it up and looks puzzled upon seeing what's inside.

McGee, Kate, and Tony all look on in bewilderment as Gibbs takes the contents out of the bag. First emerges a baby bottle with a package of instant coffee taped to it and then, a nursery rhyme CD. Gibbs stands there for a moment longer and them gruffly put the items back in the bag. He walks over to Tony's desk and plops it down.

"Very funny, DiNozzo." He walks off briskly in the direction of the elevators.

"Tony!," Kate says, obviously shocked.

"I-I-I…" Tony stutters.

"Gee whiz, Tony. Show a little respect. He is the boss, after all," McGee says, gathering his stuff.

"I didn't…" He looks down at the gift bag. "Boss, that wasn't me!," he calls out as they all head toward the elevator.

…...

"McGee, check on those warrants," Gibbs says as they all step off the elevator.

"On it."

"DiNozzo, update the BOLO with the Sergeant's license plate number."

"On it."

"Kate, go through his bank records, cell phone records, I want everything. If the guy even sneezed on anyone, I want to know."

"On it."

"I'll be right back." Gibbs quickly ascends the stairs toward the Director's office.

As Kate, McGee, and Tony stroll toward their desks, they all notice a colorful gift bag on Tony's desk.

"Oh, my Secret Santa must have left this for me." He proceeds to open it, but the look of joy on his face quickly turns to a look of puzzlement.

"What the…" He starts taking out the items. "Hemorrhoid cream…hemorrhoid wipes, and…" He takes out the last item. "Suppositories!"

"Uh… Wow, Tony, you really…", McGee says, almost speechless.

Tony looks over at McGee, annoyed. "No!" He looks back at the items. "Wait a minute… I bet Agent Ferguson in legal did this… She texted me when we were on our crime scene call earlier and balled me out for leaving a joke gift on her desk, which I did not do… Now she's trying to get at me."

Kate slightly leans forward across her desk. "Tony, there's no reason to be ashamed if you have that kind of problem."

Tony glares at Kate. "I don't!," he says quietly, but forcefully.

"Tony…" McGee says.

Tony looks over at McGee. "I don't have hemorrhoids!," he says, quite loudly.

Some people in the squad room turn and look at Tony like he's crazy.

Suddenly, Kate's and McGee's eyes widen slightly and they both quickly look away from Tony.

Tony suddenly feels a dread coming over him. "He, uh… He's standing right behind me, isn't he?"

Gibbs slowly makes his way out from behind Tony.

"I, uh… I really don't, Boss. I've never had…"

"You update that BOLO yet?"

"I was just fixing to do that. " He sits down quickly and grabs up his desk phone.

Gibbs turns and walks away with a smirk on his face.

McGee turns his head the opposite direction, trying to suppress a laugh.

"Okay," Abby calls out, walking briskly up and to the bullpen. "Which one of you bozos thought this would be an appropriate gift?!" She holds up a gift bag, obviously upset.

"What is it?," Kate asks.

"A breast pump and two packages of nursing pads!"

Kate and McGee look over at Tony, shocked.

Seeing Kate and McGee look over at Tony, she looks over at him, very angry. "You!"

She walks over to his desk and plops the gift bag down on it.

"I didn't…"

"I should've known it was you!"

"Abs, I didn't do that!"

"Gag gifts are one thing, Tony, but this… this is just gross! I mean it'd be one thing if I was pregnant, which I'm not, and if I were, I'd wait till later to do a baby gift registry, and in doing one, I'm not sure if I'd request one of these, and what the heck is that smell?," she says, wrinkling up her nose.

Kate wrinkles up her nose. "Eew! What is that?"

McGee wrinkles up his nose. "It almost smells like… blue cheese salad dressing."

"Wait a minute…" Kate leans down and looks under Tony's desk. "Oh, Tony!" She covers her nose and mouth. "Put your shoes back on!"

Both Abby and McGee back away, covering their noses and mouths.

"Oh, give me a break! My feet do not smell that bad."

"That is matter of opinion, Tony," Kate says.

"And how would you know?"

"You are forever taking your shoes off in the car when Gibbs sends us out on an assignment!"

"Well, excuse me if my shoes hurt my feet."

"Why don't you try buying more comfortable shoes?"

"I like the way these look."

Everyone looks up to see Ducky approaching.

"Anthony, gag gifts can be fun sometimes, but this one is a little over the top, even for you." He sets a gift bag on Tony's desk.

Tony throws his hands up in the air. "Whatever it is, Ducky, I didn't do this."

"What's in the bag?," Kate asks.

Abby steps in and looks inside the bag. Her eyes widen slightly. "Seriously, Tony?" She removes a large item. "Depends?"

"I didn't do that!"

"And on goes the denial," Kate mutters.

"I didn't! Look!" He holds up his own gift bag. "I got one, too!"

"Yeah," McGee says. "And that creates the perfect diversion. Make everyone think it couldn't be you by leaving yourself a little holiday cheer," McGee pops off.

"Why is it so hard to believe that I didn't do this?!"

"Like I said earlier, only someone with a sense of humor like yours would leave someone a gift like this."

"Oh really? Do you really think I would be stupid enough to leave Gibbs with a gift like a baby bottle with instant coffee and a nursery rhyme CD, much less, prank him with it?! I didn't, and you wanna know why?" He pauses slightly. "Because I don't have a death wish!"

They all stay silent for a moment.

"He has a point," Abby says, breaking the silence.

Kate ducks her head and coughs, trying to keep from laughing. She looks up to see McGee and Abby trying desperately to keep straight faces.

But upon looking at each other, the three realize they can no longer stay composed and all three collapse laughing hysterically.

Tony watches on in bewilderment as the three laugh uncontrollably, but then suddenly realizes he's been had.

"You…didn't," he says with a frown.

They all try to regain composure, but are unsuccessful as they collapse laughing again.

Tony crosses his arms and sits back in his chair. "Sure, go ahead and laugh… But guess who gets the last laugh."

"That would be me, DiNozzo," Gibbs says as he walks up toward his desk.

Tony sits up in his chair with an appalling look on his face. "Boss?… You?"

Gibbs smirks as he sits down at his desk.

Tony looks around at all five of them. "What did I ever do to any of you?"

"You mean besides when you set off those stink bombs in my lab last Halloween, that left it smelling like someone had eaten too much cabbage and beans for supper? And another time you put cherries in my caf-pow? Now that is nasty." Abby says.

Tony shrugs and smiles.

"And the time you laced the toilet seat in the men's bathroom with itching powder after I was transferred here?," McGee asks.

"Yeah, well…," Tony says, smiling.

"And when we were on the protection detail a couple of months ago at Commander Shields house and you just came on in the bathroom while I was in the shower and made yourself right at home?" Kate asks.

"Hey, I had to brush my teeth."

"I was in the shower, bonehead! Which, by definition, means you don't come anywhere near me!"

"Well, I did learn at least one thing that day and that is you can't sing."

"Well, at least I don't have blue cheese feet, Tony."

He frowns. "I do not."

"Do, too."

"Do not."

"Do, too."

"Do not."

"Hey!," Gibbs says. "Knock it off. All of you get back to work. The joke's over."

Kate, Tony, and McGee turn their attention to their work as Ducky and Abby walk away.

"Merry Christmas, one and all," Abby says as she walks away.

**THE END**

©2014 By Jeanniefan78/April*No part of this story may be performed or reproduced in any way, in whole or in part, without prior written consent of the author.

*All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Some characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated or affiliated with the owners, creators, cast, crew, or producers of NCIS or any media franchise. This is strictly for fan enjoyment only. No copyright infringement is intended.


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